I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
