Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
