Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
