I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
