Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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