when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
