so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
