Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
