He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
