The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
