Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
