Buhtt sex?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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