Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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