I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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