why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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