And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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