I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We need to get me chipped asap
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
