i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
