i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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