she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
