Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
