I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
