And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
