Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
