What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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