Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize