Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
