Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
