Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
