Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
