so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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