We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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