I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
