i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
