he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
