my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
