I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
