I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
