the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
bring money and cleavage
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
