I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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