At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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