how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
