a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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