i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize