this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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