Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
