eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
