I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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