I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
