i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
