Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
