my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
