You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
