Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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