he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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