I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
